the c word

i have been silent in the blogsphere for over a week now. i thought i was suffering from a case of writer's block, and while that is partially true, i realized that i was not being stifled by a lack of inspiration. i knew what i wanted to write about, but was unsure how to go about it.

on monday i had a physical, my first in probably two years or so. i hate going to the doctor, but i knew i was overdue in establishing a relationship with a local practitioner. and, in short, i was blindsided with a genuine health scare.

the discovery of a mass--a growth--a foreign something that shouldn't be where it is, no matter how unlikely it is that it is something dangerous, is a chilling revelation. the whole process is very mechanical and almost cold. these are the facts, this is the likely scenario, and this is what you need to do next...and off you go.

and, i think i surprised myself in the way that i completely shut down. traditionally an optimist, i found it incredibly difficult to focus on the positive when faced with even the slimmest chance of something so ugly and frightening.

i was fortunate enough to get an appointment with a specialist 24 hours later, and i shudder to think what would have happened if i had to wait a week, or more, for answers. there is so much discomfort in the unknown.

it is nearly certain that what i have is a common cyst--untreatable, but certainly not dangerous. it's just there, and of course i feel relief in that knowledge.

there are many lessons that can be taken away from this experience, however melodramatic it may seem on paper, not the least of which is learning what it feels like to be vulnerable. it's a given that we all need to be vigilant in this crazy world, but i think we often forget that sometimes our greatest foes are not those we face on the outside, but those demons we battle within.