happy birthday britney

relax. this entry is not a renewal of my long-running, and somewhat infamous, infatuation with britney spears. in fact, it's quite the opposite. for whatever reason, i logged it in my memory that her birthday is december 2, and thus, i do involuntarily manage to remember it each year (as if my daily perusal of e-news would let me forget).

to reflect on my "relationship" with brit-brit is to take a parallel, and oft-humorous, journey down memory lane. relatively the same age, i'd like to think we've grown up together over the past seven years. in 1998, i was a junior in high school, and she was the hottest new artist since madonna, exploding onto the scene, and largely responsible for ushering in a new era of hard-core pop music in all its over-sexed, over-produced, and over-saturated glory.

album after tour after album, it was clear that her real talent did not lie in her artistry, or even her performances, but solely in her ability to front a public persona that captivated the media's attention from day one and has yet to let go. the mainstream and pop-culture junkie that i am, i became swept up in all of it--the tv appearances, the posters, the screensavers, the entertainment magazines. i never did see her in concert though, in fact, she is one of the few elusive celebs i have yet to see in the flesh (though i'd still secretly like to).

i think at the height of her (legitimate) success, she did encapsulate much of the fame and adoration that many of us have an inkling to obtain--some more publicly than others. it also happened to coincide with my days in a dorm room, and her posters and calendars were ideal for cheap and temporary decorations.

i would be remiss not to mention the lifesize cardboard cutout of miss spears that my cousin stole from a 7-11 display and gave to me as a gift. over my last year at western md college, and my first year at nyu, i had the cutout displayed proudly at the foot of my bed. i thought it was funny, and even gave her a santa hat to wear at christmas. it was a running joke until kirsten dunst, of all people, rained on my parade. [long story truncated] kirsten stood in my room and said, "i can't believe you have a britney cutout...oh look, it even has holes for your feet..." yeah. i kept cardboard brit the rest of the semester, and then she was retired around the new year, 2003. (thanks kiki).

it was almost fated that my love affair with britney herself would come to an end around the same time. you may remember a little surprise new year's wedding in las vegas that was annulled within 24 hours? afterwards, the disreputable displays of self-neglect went from bad to worse--fred durst, colin ferrell, kevin federline...her career choices.

k-fed himself parallels what is "the new britney"--the white trash in the big house with empty bags of pork rinds on the front seat of the ferrari. the picture-perfect family life wouldn't have been complete without a rugrat in dirty diapers screaming on the floor, so she up and got pregnant to prove how stable the relationship was. of course, there are endless rumors of cheating, public feuding, late-night check-ins at the four seasons, and canceled credit cards. clearly, the only happily ever after for this fairytale will come in the form of a divorce.

so, happy birthday britney. this year, i wish you joy, happiness, and an alimony-free settlement.